|Healthy Self-Criticism (and fun band-criticism)
||[Nov. 25th, 2006|03:11 am]
|||||None; my music all sucks||]|
I have decided that, in an effort to maintain a respectable humility and modesty (because I'm so fucking awesome it's hard sometimes), I will now totally verbally FUCK UP every musical group I like, just 'cause:
EVANESCENCE: Holy shit, guys actually listen to this over-saturated, over-edited faux-dark metal crap? I thought it was only teenage goth girls who are only goth because they're overweight but need an excuse to wear a corset without seeming shallow like those popular girls they secretly envy. Actually, I thought everybody stopped giving a shit about Evanescence three years ago, after they released "Fallen", a CD full of "Oh man I'm dying but what will never die is MY LOVE FOR YOU" songs, which really calls into question Amy Lee's credibility. Has she really had that many near-death experiences or is she just trying to sound as morbid as possible? Hopefully the former, but probably the latter.
Recently, they released a second CD of similarly similar-themed tracks, about everything from dying to the person you love dying to leaving the person you love who also happens to be dying and leaving. This band is almost done riding on the free publicity that having a female lead singer provides. If you need a token "Band with a girl in it" addition to your collection but want more people to say "What the fuck is this" while you listen to it, try Lacuna Coil, an Italian Evanescence knock-off, only with arguably more talent and a hotter singer, but less musical credibility since they hang around Slipknot and do wristwatch ads.
MUSE: Honestly, as much as I like hearing some effeminate English douchebag wheeze into a microphone at a pitch similar to that of a 12 year old having his testicles crushed by a compactor, I must admit Muse has some flaws. This band is the kind of style-over-substance, over techno-ed music that exemplifies how an otherwise competent band can be brought down by a flamboyant, white, new millenium version of Prince (Not that Prince wasn't flamboyant. Or kind of white). The band seems to have come to center their songs around Matthew Belamy's goddamned banshee falsetto howling, and if his singing weren't questionable enough, he plays piano. I'd insinuate homosexuality if the standards for rock stars weren't so skewed; He probably gets laid all the time just for being a singer.
SUM 41: Hey, remember all those completely invalid pop punk bands with random words and numbers in their names that all came out at the same time a while back? I know you don't WANT to remember them. Somehow, Sum 41 wound up a tad more successful than most. Capitalizing on generally the same subject matter as the rest (My girlfriend is annoying as hell, my mom grounded me and doesn't understand all this pressure of being in high school AND working at McDonalds, my girlfriend is still annoying as hell and punched me in the balls when I grabbed her boob), Sum 41 rocketed up the charts at the release of their second album, "All Killer, No Filler", a title that makes as little sense as their stint of popularity. Luckily for them, they arrived in the mainstream at a time when people thought having two mediocre guitarists made up for not having a talented one, and at a time when people were into pop punk because it was "punk, but with less angry and more happy, so my mom is okay with me rebelling against authority (But not too loud!)."
SUBLIME: Right up their with Nirvana and The Doors in the category of "Bands that became incredibly significant after the death of their singer, and somehow became more talented in the process". It's easy to forget, while verbally fellating these musicians post mortem, that they were never that good. Take Sublime for example. A good 80-90% of their songs are about either sex, drugs or killing someone. Not groundbreaking subject matter. Also, the instrument work itself was never terribly complex. I guess Bradley knew he'd be too hopped up to remember more than 3 chords at a time during concerts. I guess he knew his fans would be too fried to follow anything more complex, too. That's what happens when most of the burnouts that deify you also think Pink Floyd was revolutionary in dropping acid and writing songs about gnomes and spaceships.
I might do more later, but I don't know why I'd bother since I'm pretty sure nobody reads this anymore anyways, seeing as I haven't updated since May.